Its such a self defining phrase……..coz jahan Confusion hai wahan Conviction nahin hoti and jahan Conviction hai wahan Confusion ka sawaal hi nahin hota!!!
But well my state of mind doesn’t seem to quit shuttling between these two…….more often than not its in the Confusion phase………the longest most predominant phase!!!
Conviction on the other hand is ephemeral!!! Coming and vanishing in bursts!!!! A by-product of this: Frustration!!!
Yet another level is Conviction vs Action. One thing that eternally evades me.
But I am what I am…….no matter what I try to be, it still comes back a full circle.
Is that what we call the character of an individual?? Is that what defines who I am and what I deserve?? Is that what defines me as the bad person, one who isn’t making the most of everything……wasting opportunities…..??
There are so many things one does in life that define who you are. From the smallest to the largest – everything involves making the “right / appropriate choice”. And not just that, seeing it through is the actual litmus test.
There are so many questions that pop in my head everyday about so many issues. And I am seeking answers to so many of them …..but the thing is, that nobody can really answer them for me. Some people might make me feel better (or worse) with their own analogies, but the final reasoning still has to come from within. And unless that happens, well I just keep bumping around in the bubble of Confusion.
Anyway, taking this a step backwards. Where does confusion stem from? Why is it that I am so utterly confused about so many things?
One, it could be due to indecision – too many options staring you in the face. Two, it could be due to lack of information. Three, it could be because one cant decide what is “wrong” and what is “right”.
The third option is generally where I get stuck. Because who is to decide what IS really wrong and what is right. Some things are very easy and obvious to categorize but then there are the grey areas where your integrity, morality, credibility and responsibility are tested. These are the ones that truly test your character. But then again, why is it so that they are considered to test your character…..Who decided that?
Isnt it a matter of individual choice?? Isnt it about how an individual feels about the situation rather than the community at large (who apparently have a copyright on the “appropriate behaviour” expected in response to such situations). The funny thing though is that, sometimes your decisions dont affect anyone but yourself, but if ti comes to the knowledge of others, its put under such a stringent scanner of judgement that in the end it just becomes an example of what one shouldnt be.
The point I seem to be coming to is that at the end of the day, each one of us goes ahead with whatever actions and choices we consider suitable to us in that moment. The type of actions / reactions to various situations can be discussed at length and each individual will have a different approach and understanding of the same. But those vital few minutes of getting past the confusion making a decision (because the situation demands so, even if you are in two minds) and acting on it are the ones that define “how much are you going to question yourself about it in the future”. At the end of the day, if you still question yourself about your own actions…….then somewhere you’re aware that its wasn’t an all correct. But then its too late and so begins another frustrating cycle of dilemmas and regrets……..
he he he….I just realised how completely opposite this is to my last post. How jubilant I was then, everything seemed great – crystal clear. And then some stupid complication just throws you off track……makes you lose focus. And with people like me, literally, focus takes a serious hit…….I cave in, and I completely lack the will to pull myself out……!!
I just linger………