Yeah, it feels like i’m sinking…..and it doesn’t matter that i know how to swim.
These seem to be such testing times. Its never over is it. There’s never that day when u feel so light that u could float. There’s never a point when the realisation of contentment sets in and finally “peace” envelopes you.
At least its not happenin to me. There are those days when i force myself to fool me and look at the brighter side of everything. Its my “positive attitude” stupidity i suppose.
The first thing is that cloudy feeling. Fuzzy, unclear and thick. Makes me feel like i’m throat deep in water and struggling to keep afloat. But the water is so close to my mouth that the pressure makes it so hard breathe. The heaviness on my chest almost pushes me under. But i’m struggling….and my legs dont hold much promise of lasting very long.
But isn’t it the same for everybody. Its always a struggle. That is wht its about. The “journey”.
Makes me so cynical sometimes. And i dont identify myself with this trait at all coz i consider myself a “believer”. Baah!! So much for being a believer.
I cant remember the last time i felt “cotton candy” light.
Sometimes, i read about people who have a hard time but have come out as survivors. I feel it might give me some hope that there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. But I think I refuse to be inspired. I’d rather just get lost in the dark tunnel and become that burrowing creature who’s ok surviving on the muck that it can get its hands on.
Then again i feel like i deserve better and the issue is that i’m thinking about everything/everyone else except me. Maybe i need to be “selfish”. Maybe thats the key. But really, having tried it out on occasions – it just made the chasm deeper n darker. Urgh!!!
In the end, i am at a loss of finding that crevice of escape. Its like quicksand – the more i struggle – the deeper i sink.
I WANT OUT.
Maybe i just need to suck it up. Well at least the effort is on. Maybe thats why the frustration is on too.
Or maybe an empty mind is a devil’s workshop and i need employment!!