A Life of my Own!!!

When I think about it, I realise how much I value it. It sums up everything for me. In terms of who I am, what I do, where I go, what/who I encounter, the decisions I make, the actions I execute, the effect I have……on everything and everyone I come in contact with.

I’m at a point in my life where a lot of changes are due but none of them seems to be materialising. No, no, it doesn’t make me sad, not at all…..but it does make me think and thank!!!

Its the time when your peers are movin on, takin the next step, settlin down, basically paving their paths for a future with purpose and meaning. Not that mine doesn’t or isn’t going to have a meaning – just that I dont see it very clearly at this point. I just cant seem to get myself into settling down mode…..:) though hey I do look forward to it.

Anyway, what I really want to put forth is my time in the “Now” – the present. I dont regret it. Infact I’m thankful for it. I’m goin to be in between jobs very soon and that does give me a few jitters of insecurity now n then but it doesn’t unnerve me. And even though one has a bit of a vision of what one wants to do next, it isn’t a piece of cake really to make it happen. Yet, there are so many things about my independent life in Mumbai that I love and cherish that the thought of a change scares me. Gives me the feeling of a profound loss. I feel like I might lose a bit of myself if this is taken away from me……I’ve evolved as an individual here. Grown in so many ways……..become better at some and worse at others but can still tell the difference. Many people change drastically during their independent single lives. I have too. Sometimes even surprised myself . But I think I would have felt very incomplete had I not done what I did, been where I went……Not exactly the “been there done that” scenario but close, pretty close!!

I love home and I love my family back home, but everytime i’m there I realise more n more how much I value leading life the way I want to. Its not just about basic stuff like timings to go in n out of home, what to or what not to wear etc etc – its so much about the perspectives and the thought process that develops in these two entirely different environments. Its not that I lead a very happening life away from home, I dont, but even then there seem to be so many more aspects to it here than anywhere else. So many things to deal with…….all by myself. Suck it up – face it – get on with it!!! I like that. I like that I’m thrwn into these webs n mazes and have to find my way out. They’re tiny webs but they teach me so much – about myself, my friends, colleagues, people, life…..

I’ve come across so many people who really are leading life like its an evitability and must be borne and endured until they run out of air, but then there are also those who make me feel like i’m not making the most of mine……so i feel like someone needs to tell the former what they’re missin and lets all learn from the latter.

So basically,  I consider myself very lucky and I consider this time to be one of the best years of my life…….come to think of it, it couldn’t get any better – sure there are some hitches n glitches here n there, but then thats the fun part…..coz if there are hard times there are also some very good ones!!!

On that very positive note I put dwn my virtual pen, coz its only in flashes that one realises and considers oneself lucky to be where they are rather than broood over where they’re not…….and the day I forget, well for that day I’m glad I penned it down here as a reminder that even tho it might not be great anymore, I did have some brilliant momemts that nobody could take away from me!!! :)

MUMBAI – i’m still discovering it!!

I started writing this in Dec 08′ last year and for some reason never got to completing it. Revisited today…..and decided to publish as it is.

This is the first time I have had an urge to pen down my thoughts in this blog. I had thought it would happen much more often but I always had to think of a topic to write about. Not realizing that its just about writing randomly about the things you feel. So, this time its spontaneous and I feel a little bit like a “writer” – all brimming with things in my head that I wanna write about . And of course its what many people have written about – but here’s my version!!

I’ve been in  Mumbai for almost a year and a half and I guess thats a long time to get to know a city, but there’s something about Mumbai that it continues to be ever evolving and ever surprising. Its like a flux of so many forces, so many sounds, smells and vibrations that one can only begin to discover something new each day. Its a city that exposes you to the most vibrant and diverse aspects of the many lives that reside here, that it fills me with so much wonder at the way it is just like a mini universe in itself. You can go deep into its blood stream and get absorbed like you are a part of it all, and yet you can come out thinking and re-assessing  your own analogies for this city.

There are some very striking scenes that catch one’s eye in the day to day lives of he people here. Like every morning on my way to work I notice this old man with longish unkempt hair and shaggy clothes whose job it is to arrange the newspapers in the correct combo. The Times of India goes with the Mumbai Mirror inside and so on…..and he does his job perfectly – though I’m pretty sure he doesnt even have a clue what the papers say.  Its like a reflex action for him……something so automatic, so mechanical.

Then when I get off the local train at Andheri and head out of the station using the overbridge – there’s this ancient looking man sitting in the same spot every morning and playing the most monotonous beat over and over again on his “daffli” urging people to drop a rupee or two in his steel dubba. This man is deprived of sight which is clear from his sunk – in eye sockets, He’s also very scrawny and thin. But the rigour with which he plays that “daffli” every morning with an open toothless mouth and a funny continous shaking of his head, like only he can appreciate and enjoy the music he plays – it just makes me wonder that there are so many facets to so many peoples’ lives that go so unnoticed inthe midst of unending waves of people rushing to work or someplace important – and I get inquisitive about the life that this old old man led. What he was like when he was younger, was he happy, did he get a full stomach of food everyday and what fate brought him to the spot where he now sits and earns his daily bread, and whether he earns enough to be able have daily bread also or not.

Many poeple come to this city with a preconcieved mind set that its dirty and over populated and it stinks – which by the way are all true but still i’m unable to relate my self to these aspects which do form an inherent part of this city. What I feel closer to though is the rythm or what many call the heart beat of the city. Ever beating and never failing to make one a part of its tandem. It doesn’t matter where you came from, what you do for a living, what you wear, how you look…….its ok. You have the liberty to conduct yourself as you please and just be comfortable in your environment.

 Sure this attitude reflects even when things go really wrong, and maybe that sends the wrong signal to a lotta characters out there who are waiting for an opportunity to strike. Like the 26/11 terror attacks in South Bombay. What an unnecessary waste of life, resourses, heritage. But the city bounced back. Yes, I appreciate how quickly Mumbai gets back into groove but No, I do not always agree with it. It frustrates me to see how the masses just takes, suffers and moves on with whatever is thrwn their way. We talk about how the masses are helpless and can hardly influence the regulators or put enough pressure on them to get their act straight, but this incident is marked by the fact that most of the victims were part of the elite class of Mumbai and what rose as a major issue finally also fell pray to the news coverage agenda……as long as the news people didn’t make a big deal about it, there wasn’t a need to consider it a big deal either, ofcourse, that excludes the people who suffered the loss of their loved ones. But this discussion never gets me anywhere except building up a whole lotta frustration. So topic change – bol diya jo bolna tha!!

So to sum up, I love where i live, hoping to start loving what I do for a living and I know for a fact that this is the one and only place where I would be the happiest as long as my status remains “Solo” !!

And then some others say it too……..

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
n Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else’s words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And i headed straight..into the shining sun

PINK FLOYD – COMING BACK TO LIFE

Sometimes a song says it all…………..

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

………………………….

FIX You – COLDPLAY