A Life of my Own!!!

When I think about it, I realise how much I value it. It sums up everything for me. In terms of who I am, what I do, where I go, what/who I encounter, the decisions I make, the actions I execute, the effect I have……on everything and everyone I come in contact with.

I’m at a point in my life where a lot of changes are due but none of them seems to be materialising. No, no, it doesn’t make me sad, not at all…..but it does make me think and thank!!!

Its the time when your peers are movin on, takin the next step, settlin down, basically paving their paths for a future with purpose and meaning. Not that mine doesn’t or isn’t going to have a meaning – just that I dont see it very clearly at this point. I just cant seem to get myself into settling down mode…..:) though hey I do look forward to it.

Anyway, what I really want to put forth is my time in the “Now” – the present. I dont regret it. Infact I’m thankful for it. I’m goin to be in between jobs very soon and that does give me a few jitters of insecurity now n then but it doesn’t unnerve me. And even though one has a bit of a vision of what one wants to do next, it isn’t a piece of cake really to make it happen. Yet, there are so many things about my independent life in Mumbai that I love and cherish that the thought of a change scares me. Gives me the feeling of a profound loss. I feel like I might lose a bit of myself if this is taken away from me……I’ve evolved as an individual here. Grown in so many ways……..become better at some and worse at others but can still tell the difference. Many people change drastically during their independent single lives. I have too. Sometimes even surprised myself . But I think I would have felt very incomplete had I not done what I did, been where I went……Not exactly the “been there done that” scenario but close, pretty close!!

I love home and I love my family back home, but everytime i’m there I realise more n more how much I value leading life the way I want to. Its not just about basic stuff like timings to go in n out of home, what to or what not to wear etc etc – its so much about the perspectives and the thought process that develops in these two entirely different environments. Its not that I lead a very happening life away from home, I dont, but even then there seem to be so many more aspects to it here than anywhere else. So many things to deal with…….all by myself. Suck it up – face it – get on with it!!! I like that. I like that I’m thrwn into these webs n mazes and have to find my way out. They’re tiny webs but they teach me so much – about myself, my friends, colleagues, people, life…..

I’ve come across so many people who really are leading life like its an evitability and must be borne and endured until they run out of air, but then there are also those who make me feel like i’m not making the most of mine……so i feel like someone needs to tell the former what they’re missin and lets all learn from the latter.

So basically,  I consider myself very lucky and I consider this time to be one of the best years of my life…….come to think of it, it couldn’t get any better – sure there are some hitches n glitches here n there, but then thats the fun part…..coz if there are hard times there are also some very good ones!!!

On that very positive note I put dwn my virtual pen, coz its only in flashes that one realises and considers oneself lucky to be where they are rather than broood over where they’re not…….and the day I forget, well for that day I’m glad I penned it down here as a reminder that even tho it might not be great anymore, I did have some brilliant momemts that nobody could take away from me!!! :)

Going bungeee crazeeee…….!!!

Yet another post I started writing in Nov last year and left incomplete. Finishing off and posted as it was…..:) Shuru kiya to khatam bhi kar hi dete hain!!!

Here’s another one of my crazy adventures.  Some might think like ”oh whats the big deal” – but believe me – when u have ta jump off 150 feet, its a big enough deal – it sure was for me, so much so that I doubt if I can do it again. 

Anyway, I was in second year grad college.  4 of us decided to go and try it out at the JawaharLal Nehru stadium in Delhi. The Mountain Dew people had organised some adventure sports to promote their drink – and of course some of us went to try out the stunt. So when we got there, we had to first buy a ticket for the particular event. It cost us 600 bucks – and being in college and not earning, that sure is a lotta money. So anyways, keeping our spirits high and excited as we were, we were led to the medical check up tent. That kind of set off alams coz now we realised the gravity of the thing we were about to try out. They took our pulse and weight and height and blood pressure and finally okayed us as “fit” to go bungee.

We got in line and watched as others took their turn and dove down from the small cage that carried them 150 feet up – with the help of a crane. We made a wise move by coming empty stomach. The one thing that comes to my mind when i visualise myself upside down is “throwing up”. So i was very particular about not eating/drinking anything before the jump.

So came my turn. I was first to go among the four of us. The strapping up in itself fills you with so much anticipation resulting in a crazy case of butterflies in stomach, plus it gets the adrenalin rushing and the sheepishest smile cuts across the face.

So up we went in this metal cage which was lifted by a huge crane. WHen we were at 150 it was time for the “leap”, and no it did nt happen just like that. It took me 6 try’s to finally let go !!! I’ll never forget that. We were higher than the stadium lights even. UFFFF the air has escaped my lungs, lips dry n shit scared. The instructor lost patience and almost asked the crane to get us back down, but luckily I asked (more like pleaded) for one last chance and was granted!!

I psyched myself, thought about how Dad did it from 20,000 feet and without a rope holdin him, and well then just leapt. Its only a matter of  a “split second” and then its over and of course you feel like a fool for taking that long to do this. As i dangled and bobbed upside down, i finally started enjoying myself. Waved out to my friends, hooted…….had some fun and was finally brought down. Of course it took sme amount of balancing to stand up staright….but I came back alive, smiling and in one piece. I know, I know – koi teer nahin maara…….but phati to thi!!!

Out of the remaining 3 from the group, only one more could do it, the other too couldnt. But hey I dont blame them…..I almst didnt d it either….tho I’m very glad I did!!!

Next stop was McDonald’s coz the stomach had to be fed. When we got there I noticed my whole face was freckled with tiny red spots. That was due to the blood rush. Also the veins in my eyes had become a darker red!!! This stayed with me for the next 3 days along with a very annoying headache……but eventually it was all good!!! And I’m glad i did it and i donno if I’ll ever do it again, though if I do do it then it has to be one of those off the bridge over a river ones!!!

MUMBAI – i’m still discovering it!!

I started writing this in Dec 08′ last year and for some reason never got to completing it. Revisited today…..and decided to publish as it is.

This is the first time I have had an urge to pen down my thoughts in this blog. I had thought it would happen much more often but I always had to think of a topic to write about. Not realizing that its just about writing randomly about the things you feel. So, this time its spontaneous and I feel a little bit like a “writer” – all brimming with things in my head that I wanna write about . And of course its what many people have written about – but here’s my version!!

I’ve been in  Mumbai for almost a year and a half and I guess thats a long time to get to know a city, but there’s something about Mumbai that it continues to be ever evolving and ever surprising. Its like a flux of so many forces, so many sounds, smells and vibrations that one can only begin to discover something new each day. Its a city that exposes you to the most vibrant and diverse aspects of the many lives that reside here, that it fills me with so much wonder at the way it is just like a mini universe in itself. You can go deep into its blood stream and get absorbed like you are a part of it all, and yet you can come out thinking and re-assessing  your own analogies for this city.

There are some very striking scenes that catch one’s eye in the day to day lives of he people here. Like every morning on my way to work I notice this old man with longish unkempt hair and shaggy clothes whose job it is to arrange the newspapers in the correct combo. The Times of India goes with the Mumbai Mirror inside and so on…..and he does his job perfectly – though I’m pretty sure he doesnt even have a clue what the papers say.  Its like a reflex action for him……something so automatic, so mechanical.

Then when I get off the local train at Andheri and head out of the station using the overbridge – there’s this ancient looking man sitting in the same spot every morning and playing the most monotonous beat over and over again on his “daffli” urging people to drop a rupee or two in his steel dubba. This man is deprived of sight which is clear from his sunk – in eye sockets, He’s also very scrawny and thin. But the rigour with which he plays that “daffli” every morning with an open toothless mouth and a funny continous shaking of his head, like only he can appreciate and enjoy the music he plays – it just makes me wonder that there are so many facets to so many peoples’ lives that go so unnoticed inthe midst of unending waves of people rushing to work or someplace important – and I get inquisitive about the life that this old old man led. What he was like when he was younger, was he happy, did he get a full stomach of food everyday and what fate brought him to the spot where he now sits and earns his daily bread, and whether he earns enough to be able have daily bread also or not.

Many poeple come to this city with a preconcieved mind set that its dirty and over populated and it stinks – which by the way are all true but still i’m unable to relate my self to these aspects which do form an inherent part of this city. What I feel closer to though is the rythm or what many call the heart beat of the city. Ever beating and never failing to make one a part of its tandem. It doesn’t matter where you came from, what you do for a living, what you wear, how you look…….its ok. You have the liberty to conduct yourself as you please and just be comfortable in your environment.

 Sure this attitude reflects even when things go really wrong, and maybe that sends the wrong signal to a lotta characters out there who are waiting for an opportunity to strike. Like the 26/11 terror attacks in South Bombay. What an unnecessary waste of life, resourses, heritage. But the city bounced back. Yes, I appreciate how quickly Mumbai gets back into groove but No, I do not always agree with it. It frustrates me to see how the masses just takes, suffers and moves on with whatever is thrwn their way. We talk about how the masses are helpless and can hardly influence the regulators or put enough pressure on them to get their act straight, but this incident is marked by the fact that most of the victims were part of the elite class of Mumbai and what rose as a major issue finally also fell pray to the news coverage agenda……as long as the news people didn’t make a big deal about it, there wasn’t a need to consider it a big deal either, ofcourse, that excludes the people who suffered the loss of their loved ones. But this discussion never gets me anywhere except building up a whole lotta frustration. So topic change – bol diya jo bolna tha!!

So to sum up, I love where i live, hoping to start loving what I do for a living and I know for a fact that this is the one and only place where I would be the happiest as long as my status remains “Solo” !!

Why??? – the eternal question that everyone asks but hardly ever gets answered.

And then some others say it too……..

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
n Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else’s words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And i headed straight..into the shining sun

PINK FLOYD – COMING BACK TO LIFE

Sometimes a song says it all…………..

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

………………………….

FIX You – COLDPLAY

Of assassins, plots and drama……

One the most facinating subjects for me to read and watch are the assassination attempts and plots that have spanned over the years. Right from Abe Lincoln (and much before that) to Martin Luther King Jr, to John Lennon , to RFK and the most talked about and researched JFK assassination.

I happened to watch this movie called “Vantage Point” last night and it really set my grey cells in motion. I really liked the movie. So much thought must have gone into making the plot of this movie. I would call it intelligent - and sometimes I fear such movies might give ideas to the wrong lot of people. But that aside, the main thing that really impressed me was the way a critical 23 minutes before during and after the assassination attempt was depicted from 5 different points of view of the 5 key players - the main assassin, the president himself, the president’s security officer, a local police officer and a tourist. And the whole film keeps going back to the start to show what each person went through, ultimately culminating into the final episode – where all these key players come together at the same point in one form or another. Its one of those fast paced movies where ur on the edge of the seat and ur mind is going crazy trying to figure out how the hell it was pulled off!!!.  Pooof….!!

So anyway, like i was saying earlier, I don’t know what it is that facinates me about such acts of violence against these men. So many questions come ino my head – like who did it, why he did it, did he really do it or was there someone more sinister behind it. I know I’m not the only sucker for such stories, there are others who have gone much greater lengths to feed their curiosity about the circumstances and the reasons behind the committing of such an act. I’m just curious about the lives and personalities that were involved - Like what kind of a person would you have to be to do something like this?? Unlike movies, I think the real life assassins have a much more twisted personality – and thats what I want to know more about. 

Take the JFK assassination for example. That one is no less than the movie i just talked about. Even though there was a convicted killer – Lee Harvey Oswald – who was proved to be the shooter, there are still so many conspiracy theories that it still remains a mystery to many – whether he was actually the one who orchestrated the assassination or was he just a pawn in a much bigger plot. And come to think of it, the person who actually pulled off one of the most controversial assassinations of our time may have gotten away with it - while we’re still going nuts trying to figure it all out. Even the National Geographic Channel has a complete documentary researching all the possibilities – but there are still some doubts no one can clear out – and that makes the whole case so intriguing that it will revisited many a time in the future as well. 

But people like me get carried away sometimes. Maybe we just want to believe that there was more than meets the eye. Maybe the “drama” of it all is what intoxicates the mind so much that the more the plot thickens the better it gets. I guess i just cant get enough. The suspence is what spices it up.  

To continue further, on the other hand is the completely different assassination of John Lennon. The reason why Mark David Chapman killed him was so bizzare. He was apparently not happy with a comment made by Lennon about the Beatles - about them being more pupolar than Jesus. This didn’t go down well with Chapman and he considered it be blasphemy. He was also angry at Lennon because he preached in his song Imagine – “imagine no possessions”, but still had millions of dollars to live by. And then of course, having read and reread the “Catcher in the Rye” – Chapman was greatly influenced by the book’s take on the “phoniness” of the society – and thought Lennon to be a phony by that logic. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is safe from such “nut cases”.

Well i guess i’ve rambled enough on this for now, coz talking about it all has made me hungry for some more insight n research about these topics. Its like, once you get hitched you just get hitched!! 

Schoolastic!!!

Still going down memory lane………and because i’m goin through a jobless phase in my professional life – not in the literal sense but being utterly “vella” while sitting in office and blogging on my office PC, I realised i’d been to a lotta schools. Just so i never forget, i think i’ll jot em down here.

Nursery, LKG - Tiny Cottage – Secunderabad, Andhra Pradesh

UKG, Prep, Class 1 - Tender Heart – Chandigarh

CLass 2 and 3 – St. Anthony’s – Agra, UP

CLass 4 (partly) – Presentation Convent – Madgaon, Goa (had to leave coz they were turning it into a konkani medium school)

Class 4 (remaining part) and Class 5 (plartly) – Manovikas – Madgaon, Goa (this school up to class 10 was in an abandoned factory building, so none of the walls were completed up to the roof. U could be in one class and learn what was goin on in the other. Can u imagine the noise during a free period!! )

Class 5 (remaining part), Class 6 and 7 – Army Public School - Udhampur, J&K

Class 8 and 9 – Vivek High School - Chandigarh

Class10 – Army School – Ratnuchak, J&K

Class 11 – Army School – Secunderabad, Andhra Pradesh 

Class 12 – Vivek High School – Chandigarh

No, I didnt have the hobby of jumping schools, Dad in the army means this becomes one of the biggest trade offs in exchange for fun, places, adventure, experiences, memories……………But thanks to this, i made a lotta good friends all over the country…………..:-)

My first adventure!!

This is my earliest memory of an adventure. I must have been 7 or 8 years old. And it was time to try out some extreme sports – “paragliding”!!!. Well that idea didn’t just fall out of the sky. With Dad being in the army, means you get to do lotta cool stuff and get to see a lotta places as well. So this event took place in Agra – which also happens to be my place of birth. 

I don’t remember much of what happened before we got to the huge ground that was to be the venue for the sport. The paragliding experience had been organised by Dad’s Unit for visiting members of our family and for his junior officers and their wives and whoever else was interested.  There was a pretty decent crowd waiting to do a little gliding over the city. All I remember is being on that ground and getting all excited about the prospect of flying like a big bird for about 5 minutes in the sky.

Anyway, the paraphenalia was pretty basic. One open jeep to which was attached a long long rope, which was further attached to the parachute. So its like flying a kite. Once ur all bucked up and the parachute is held behind you to catch air, the jeep starts moving forward away from where u stand. when the rope runs out its complete length, U start running behind the jeep to keep up, but as the jeep picks up speed and the parachute catches all the air it needs – then its “lift off”!!.

But i’ll track back a little to the point where it was my turn to go for the first time. Even though i was a really rowdy kid and wasn’t scared of getting hurt n all, this was a little overwhelming for me. But anyways, i couldn’t let anybody know that and i put on my “brave” face and walked up to get saddled n buckled. They put the custom para jumping helmet on me. I must have looked like a human bee with that huge thing on my head – making my neck sway a little with its weight n size. Anyways, I was ready to go and it was snap time before I went up. So with mom n dad standing on eithe side of me, we got a snap with me grinning away to glory and the parachute in the background. With the formalities done, it was time for some action…….

And so the jeep started. The rope started slackening behind it. I had Dad and a “bhaiyya” on either side holding me by my arms. Then i started running behind the jeep with dad and bhaiyya still running with me. Slowly I felt the ground leaving my feet. It felt like i was just running in mid air and thats when “fear” struck!!!. Realising I was too high to be held by Dad anymore and that i was gonna be doin this all alone – meri to phatt gayi thi big time.  As the chute filled up with air to its fullest capacity, the higher it lifted me. That sudden rise in altitude wasn’t something i was prepared for. There were some rude jolts from the rope that attached to the jeep as well. These only added to my trauma. My eyes were closed tight shut. I thought if I opened them I wouldn’t be able to digest the hieght I was at and all alone too…..I guess I was up there for approx five to seven minutes – thought it felt like they were never gonna get me down. Funny thing was (now i can say it was funny) – i kept repeating the phrase “god please save me, god please save me” over and over again……Thats how petrified i was.

Eventually, the jeep slowed down and came to a halt and then we had to wait for the chute to come down at its own speed. As I was coming down, with my eyes still clamped shut, I could hear voices cheering me on. Thats when I opened my eyes and saw that there were five or six people waiting to catch me and break my fall. And thats when i heard one of the many bhaiyyas waiting to catch me saying – “arre baby aankh band kyun kiya hai. papa ka beti hoke aankh band nahin karte…!!!”. And I was like ooops, there goes my reputation of being the most fearless kid on the block – at least in my age group that is

So there I landed, and was i happy to be on ground level or what!!! Next Mom went for a ride and when she came down she asked me if i saw the  tips of the Taj Mahal or the market where i always had an “orange bar”, or the colony we lived in. And obvously I hadn’t seen any of those things and had to confess that i was too scared to open my eyes up there.

But it didn’t end there. Having done it once and discovering that it wasn’t as life threatening as it looked I gave it a go twice again, for which i had to throw quite a tantrum – since many people were in line. But  I really enjoyed it this time and even though I didn’t spot the Taj or the other places mom had mentioned, i still saw a lot of ant sized people and vehicles looking like toys and that was good enough for me.

I remember my cousin brother had tried it out too. He was 5 i think. But i guess that was too little an age to try out this stunt. He was too light and couldn’t lift off well and the little distance that he did go…he came down real fast like a rock. So it was difficult to reach him in time and break his fall. But in the end all was ok…………

There was even a young newly married officer whose wife went for a glide. And when she came down, he caought her in his arms. Man was that filmy or what!!! Now when i think about it – i think it was the cutest most romantic thing to do. Awwwwwwweee!!!!!

So, thats it. Like I said, I particularly have no memories of what follwed after we were off the field. I guess only very typical things stick in ur memory. This is one of em……….and i really cherish it. I really beam from ear to ear when I look at the pictures we took that day      

 

Wedges gone nuts!!!

Here are some Givenchy shoes – the first one looks more like a plaster on a fractured foot……the rest look like they’re made for take off – why do they have such a wierd slant forward????

Ok so it seems that a few designers really wanna get ahead in the race for the wierdest most uncomfortable impractical shoes. Check em out!!

These are from John Galliano’s Spring 2008 collection. Thye colours are great – but i wonder how the models must have managed their walk on the ramp.

Ok so it looks more like a pair of simple heels – which would have looked but better alone – were mounted on a fat base or rather a platform and a hybrid wedge was the result!!! not very original though!!!!

here’s a sorry picture of a model in them. She has that desperate look in her eyes…………..now how the hell am i gonna walk back!!!